I found my 2 best friends in recovery…
~ God & Diane ~
I believe that not having a real sense of self-worth was the catalyst of the inevitable “bad things” happening to me. Hmmm, bad things didn’t “happen”- I allowed them because I never valued myself enough to know I deserved more. I was an expert at knowing the needs of anyone around me and making sure those needs were met, whether they asked or not! My needs, wants or desires were foreign questions no one ever asked of me; more importantly, I didn’t ask myself.
I grew up with the “memo” that “women that are selfless” were revered…what a horrible memo!! The world also told me that to be a girl, especially a “good girl”, meant to be small in every way, to be obliging, and certainly not to have a voice. I believed those lies, and it made me very ill-equipped for life.
The lack of foundation of “self” and the addition of a toxic, abusive marriage made a perfect recipe for disaster. I have such a different perspective today about my alcoholism. Alcohol saved my life. I wouldn’t recommend that path to anyone, but my acceptance of the unacceptable was so strong. My higher power gave me every sign to leave, but Diane was slowly disappearing. My inner voice (who today I call God) was so faint I could no longer hear it or recognize it.
Being brought so close to death was my salvation, to finally let go, to surrender to what I thought my life was supposed to be. I was holding on to everything that was pulling me deeper into the depths of despair. When I finally released that toxic weight, I felt as though I floated to the surface and took my first breath of air. I didn’t do that alone; I recognized the presence of God. I turned to him finally- He was within me all along.
I always believed in God but never had a relationship with Him. God was like the “emergency Kit” in my trunk under that flappy door I never opened. I knew it was there but thought it was only for emergencies. Little did I know that the kit contained so many other things that I needed daily but didn’t know were there…water to hydrate me, things needed to tend to small wounds before they became large; the analogy could go on and on.
Today, God sits next to me in the front seat. He is my navigator, but I must do the work. I can’t sit in the back scrolling on my phone and expect God to just “bring me a life”. I must be an active participant in my life and recovery. Today I know I deserve that seat up front. I am worthy of having a kind and loving God. I know today that I’m a child of God; He knows my name. I do my best daily to honor her, love her, and treat her with the same kindness I so freely give to others.
My biggest fear before recovery was to be alone. Today I have the gift of knowing I have my two best friends with me always ~ God