So much of my life I lived with self-doubt, constantly searching outward for my value. I’d figuratively hand myself over to people in my life hoping they’d give me my worthiness. It makes me sad for that girl. Being in an unhealthy marriage and then the introduction of alcohol, those two ingredients were slowly and methodically erasing my existence. My inner voice was becoming so faint and of a person I barely knew. I felt as though I was buried alive. I heard that voice whisper, “Diane is still in here, she still exists, please don’t let her die”. That was the beginning of finding myself. I went into rehab and my journey of self-discovery started.
My sponsor/best friend always advised me to “write about it”, whatever situation I was facing, be it fear, pain, trauma etc. As I do, I needed to know “why” journaling was so important. Researching the subject, I discovered amazing scientific evidence to prove it’s value. Some facts were: reduces depression and anxiety, eases psychological distress from trauma, even improves your physical health which doesn’t surprise me as we are mind body and soul, and all must be tended to.
Through the process of journaling, I started to find my voice, my truest most authentic self. The perfect child God created. Her voice lives within me as does God’s. Ironically, I searched endlessly, everywhere only to discover it was within me all along.
I have found forgiveness and peace in letters I’ve written to people who will never read them. The power in my words is the gift I give to myself.
In the practice of writing, I have found healing. My mom abandoning me at 8 years old was the most traumatic and life changing event I’ve experienced, it formed me. Not having a mommy made me cry the most, made my life heavy, made a little girl have the deepest of sighs. It was my deepest wound, not knowing how to heal it made me very un-prepared for life. Today I get to write to that young one. I nurture that little girl who lives within me. I get to comfort her when she still cries. I get to give her the love she craves and tell her she is enough. My gentleness towards myself in my writing opens me up to different perspectives. My recovery has given me an awareness of the blessings in my life.
My writing and connection with my higher power allows me to open my heart to find the mother in the beautiful women he has brought into my life. I find the woman who lets me cry and comforts me. I find the woman who has solid advice and strong guidance when I need direction. I find the woman who has strong faith who opens my heart spiritually. I find the woman who is silly and laughs deeply to nurture that little girl who laughed so little but needs to now. God has given me a mosaic of moms, like beautiful stained glass, each piece shining in its own way, each piece creating a whole.
Journaling has been a profound gift. It enables me to shed the layers of what I thought the world needed me to be and keep becoming the woman I’m meant to be.
Diane A.
East End THRIVE Recovery Coach